Folks, what can I say–it has been a while. Like almost all my other good habits, blogging was hard to start, easy to stop, and very, very difficult to return to. Paralyzed by a fear that I have nothing to say and nothing worthwhile to share, I sit here toward the end of my week typing away. As far as trying to have something meaningful to say, why start now? [Cue the laughter reel!]
I made a promise to myself to publish this week. And, by God, that’s a promise I’m going to keep.
First, thank you to so many of you who read my post about my Dad and who shared with me your own experiences of loss and grief. I have the strangest feeling of wanting to apologize to anyone who’s lost a parent because I just didn’t understand what it was really like. Until now. I’m told that grief is unpredictable, it’s a “process,” it comes in waves, and no one’s experience is the same. Ugh. All that just makes me want to speed date through all those emotions.
For me, grief feels like a permanent state of melancholy, punctuated by moments of normalcy, but never really feeling “back to my old self.” I have waves of sadness that flow in. A setback in one area of life pours over into other parts, and suddenly I’m swirling in loss, crying my eyes out, and feeling like everything is falling apart. Luckily, I can see that’s not true, even if it sometimes feels that way. Perhaps the most debilitating aspect of grief is my almost complete lack of energy. Everything seems like a chore — hard, heavy, work. My normal lightness and energy have disappeared and I’m struggling to get my groove back.
But enough of that.
A few weeks ago, I had a breakthrough when I realized I wasn’t experiencing much joy because I wasn’t tapped into any of things that generally bring me joy. Go figure. There is a direct correlation. So walking/hiking with friends, photography, traveling, writing and consistent exercise were nowhere to be found in my daily routines. Many had just fallen away as I lay in repose on my couch watching Netflix. Not a terrible thing, certainly, but not helping to lift my spirits. As a result, I was finding it hard to plug into something bigger — the forces of love, friendship, nature, gratitude, and faith that keep me buoyed in my happy zone.
That’s why I’m back. I’m in action doing more of what I love to do. More of what brings me joy and in the seeking, I know I’ll be closer to finding it. I just read an awesome book I can’t wait to tell you about; I’ve just finished month 4 of consistent morning meditation which is a personal best for this failed meditator; I’ve signed up for a new photography workshop and took some headshots for a friend’s website; and, I’m making plans for my next big travel adventure.
Life goes on but the quality of mine depends on me.
Boonedoggler 