I’ve just heard a fantastic talk by a woman named Susan David about the concept of emotional agility. She’s a Harvard trained psychologist and MD and has made a life’s work of studying emotions and how we humans experience -or more importantly)-avoid experiencing them.
So what is emotion agility? Generally speaking, its the ability to experience emotions, understand what is underlying them and then move through them in a way that keeps you from being stuck. Agility. It’s how some people seem to be able to ride the highs and lows of life with much more inner reserve and optimism. I think I’m fairly agile, but I can get stuck in failures and remediate of what I did wrong and mistakes I’ve long ago made, all of which traps me in a swampland of self-pity and malaise.
It starts with a idea that I love. Stop demanding *happiness*. Stop listening to yourself or anyone else who tells you that you should feel happy, be grateful, or put on a positive face. Dr. David’s contention is that our society’s quest for mandatory happiness is an illusive kind of perfection that seldom matches one’s actual of experience of life. Or said differently, peace, joy, pleasure and connectedness all come side by side with a boatload of sadness, loneliness, pain and regret. These are just emotions. And the key to handling any of them is to actually admit that you are having them.
Her story began with her father’s long illness and death when she was told to be positive and hopeful, but found a teacher who allowed her to journal her true feelings of fear and sadness. That experience backed by years of scientific study confirms that it is the acknowledgement of emotions that actual robs them of their power. When you are afraid, tell someone. When you are sad, write about it. Turns out that it is the facing of these dragons that actually slays them. In contrast, the more we repress negative feelings, the more power those feelings have over our wellbeing.
With so much going on in the world and in my life right now, I need all the agility I can get to successfully maneuver. So I found her tips helpful: (1) Show up and acknowledge what you are feeling; (2) Step Out — detach and observe what information the feelings are providing (“feelings are data not direction” — that’s a good one; (3) Understand why — those feelings result from some core belief or value; and (4) Move on — how to make small tweaks in behavior that puts your actions more in line with those core values. Love it.
There’s a book and quiz, which you may want to check out. There are stormy seas out there, people. Good luck navigating them!
Boonedoggler 